Our latest conversation took place one year to the day of our first. On 7th December 2010 we asked ourselves and discussed the following questions: where is compassion learned? can it be taught? can we actively practice compassion? is it tied to religion or culture? does our "consumerist" culture pose a challenge to a compassionate mindset?
We agreed that compassion is about understanding, empathy, kindness and generosity. It is almost a primitively human desire - to help others. The word itself is telling: "com" meaning "with" passion.
Understanding and relating to others is critical to one's ability to be compassionate. We discussed examples of appeals in advertising (e.g. children born with cleft lips) as well as personal experiences of individual circumstances (e.g. when ill or in hospital) where our understanding and empathy with the needs of others played a significant role in our ability to be compassionate.
We had a discussion around the need to teach compassion - and how we do so. The role of the family and the role of the educational system. There was a feeling among the group, that compassionate thinking / behaviour should start at a young age, and that there are ways the educational system can help. Various examples were given by parents as to how they have talked to their children about compassion, and the kind of activities schools are undertaking to bring compassion into the classroom.
We also discussed how religion and culture play a role in our desire, ability and inclination to be compassionate. Do Muslims give more? Do Americans give more? What aspects of culture enable compassion? Is western consumer culture subverting compassionate behaviour in our society?
There was recognition among the group that compassion, for the most part, is a choice. And sometimes, it is a instinct. We asked ourselves if sometimes selfishness plays a role in acts of compassion. One cannot "expect" compassion back when given - it is something to be given and not regarded as a favour or something to be even acknowledged. Most of us tried to express the kind of satisfaction that comes when we have been compassionate - it is almost undescribable.
Some of our conclusions:
Compassion is a choice.
Understanding makes compassion possible. Understanding requires time and a willingness to see things from others' point of view. Stories can help us achieve this understanding.
Culture and community play an important role in our ability and inclination to be compassionate, and sometimes, our culture does not encourage compassion.
Compassion is something that is undertaken with no expectation of a return.
When it comes to being compassionate and living in a more compassionate community, we must lead by example.
Thursday, 16 December 2010
Thursday, 9 December 2010
Compassion II
We held our second Annual Conversation on Compassion inspired by the 2009 Karen Armstrong TED talk. We're writing up the notes and will be posting them shortly.
Thursday, 23 September 2010
Our Elders
What a conversation Our Elders provided.
We asked 'what role do our elders play in society?' One of the group offered up the notion that our elders are 'agents of love, agents of culture and agents of wisdom' ... in fact, the sense of our elders being living historians that we should cherish came up a few times. There was a feeling that we should go beyond valuing our elders for doing things or being productive and value them more for who they are and the lives they've lived.
We questioned the way society rewards productivity and as we age we are no longer productive and therefore no longer valued. Is it because we fail to value perspective and wisdom as they are non-productive roles? In fact, we challenged the notion that older people are less productive with the example of a known recruitment agency for over 55's being successful. We considered that society will need to adjust for older people to remain in the workforce and adapt positions to cater for their talents and their particular needs. It is likely that more people will start new careers at more advanced ages. Many of us agreed we would enjoy dealing with older people who often had more patience and were better at listening than youngsters who were in a tearing rush. Some in the group have very rewarding and enriching relationships with older neighbours or friends which they valued and felt valued through.
However, we also discussed how challenging our relationships with our elders sometimes are. Words like irritating, difficult, and self-centred rose up to greet us. There was much discussion, specifically how this challenge is particularly acute within families (as elders evolve in some cases into dependents), while a relationship strangers of different ages can be very rewarding as well. We found we didn't always pass the test in our own desire to be warm, caring and patient.
This emotional challenge is part of a practical challenge: it is not always easy to help as parents or grandparents began to need more support. Unspoken grievances or weak relationships made this difficult time even more so. Families could go into denial about what may happen and what needs to be done. Death and mortality is a frightening issue to confront and we need better language and understanding to navigate it successfully.
The sense of loss we discover when an older relative or parent changes through illness, be it dementia or other physical and mental frailties, can be confusing and straining. We discussed how older people need physical contact with people to help them stay healthy, and that this 'touch' naturally becomes more scarce as they grow older and lose loved ones or become more isolated from family. One person said 'we could all learn the benefits of a spirit of giving' and how this actually gives us back a lot of emotional well-being. How we could all focus on listening to each other rather than talking at each other. One person admitted openly that she felt afraid that she would be alone when she was older with no one to look after her.
This topic touches on the larger topic of social behaviour, in general. How can we improve the environment for positive interactions between elders and youth? One example is guerrilla gardening groups to improve social areas that have become unkempt - a way to bring people together around something fulfilling for all of us.
We thought about the way we have been brought up on the idea of 'independence' - is this the best approach to have? We discussed changing from independence to interdependence and bringing this to the fore in our lives. We discussed the need to design in 'interdependence'. One person spoke of a space in Portugal where a day care centre was in the same building as a nursery and how this created a wonderful opportunity for the elderly and the young to spend time with each other at these stages of life. Older people love repetition and younger people love repetition, by bringing them together they can support each other to learn and grow.
We agreed we need to learn to allow older people to set their own agenda rather than force upon them things we felt they needed. One person knew of age-centric groups that allowed their members to design the social issues they wanted resolved for themselves. We were in support of increased levels of social clubs and groups and learning environments for us as we age. We all recognised that 'silver surfers' (older people on the internet) were highly active and fulfilled.
Some conclusions:
We would like society to be more aware that not everything of value can be reduced to a number and that this habit was counter-productive.
We questioned retirement - the on/off switch where we were hamsters on a wheel for 50 years and then suddenly, stop working. This is changing and there are many implications...
We want to stop drawing distinctions between "us" and "them". The opportunities and challenges of getting older is something all face.
We feel we can find much more in common with older people and connect with each other in more ways as we age.
In the end, we acknowledged it is much easier to speak of ideals when you are not facing the practicalities of caring for an ageing parent or partner which can challenge our thinking about what growing older means and how it impacts the life we take for granted.
Thanks to all of you who came to the evening and made it such a wonderful conversation to be part of. Thanks to Colonel Mark Baker of The Royal Hospital for allowing us to enjoy the Prince of Wales Hall. Thanks too, to Virginia and Emma who helped us with the tea and cakes.
We asked 'what role do our elders play in society?' One of the group offered up the notion that our elders are 'agents of love, agents of culture and agents of wisdom' ... in fact, the sense of our elders being living historians that we should cherish came up a few times. There was a feeling that we should go beyond valuing our elders for doing things or being productive and value them more for who they are and the lives they've lived.
We questioned the way society rewards productivity and as we age we are no longer productive and therefore no longer valued. Is it because we fail to value perspective and wisdom as they are non-productive roles? In fact, we challenged the notion that older people are less productive with the example of a known recruitment agency for over 55's being successful. We considered that society will need to adjust for older people to remain in the workforce and adapt positions to cater for their talents and their particular needs. It is likely that more people will start new careers at more advanced ages. Many of us agreed we would enjoy dealing with older people who often had more patience and were better at listening than youngsters who were in a tearing rush. Some in the group have very rewarding and enriching relationships with older neighbours or friends which they valued and felt valued through.
However, we also discussed how challenging our relationships with our elders sometimes are. Words like irritating, difficult, and self-centred rose up to greet us. There was much discussion, specifically how this challenge is particularly acute within families (as elders evolve in some cases into dependents), while a relationship strangers of different ages can be very rewarding as well. We found we didn't always pass the test in our own desire to be warm, caring and patient.
This emotional challenge is part of a practical challenge: it is not always easy to help as parents or grandparents began to need more support. Unspoken grievances or weak relationships made this difficult time even more so. Families could go into denial about what may happen and what needs to be done. Death and mortality is a frightening issue to confront and we need better language and understanding to navigate it successfully.
The sense of loss we discover when an older relative or parent changes through illness, be it dementia or other physical and mental frailties, can be confusing and straining. We discussed how older people need physical contact with people to help them stay healthy, and that this 'touch' naturally becomes more scarce as they grow older and lose loved ones or become more isolated from family. One person said 'we could all learn the benefits of a spirit of giving' and how this actually gives us back a lot of emotional well-being. How we could all focus on listening to each other rather than talking at each other. One person admitted openly that she felt afraid that she would be alone when she was older with no one to look after her.
This topic touches on the larger topic of social behaviour, in general. How can we improve the environment for positive interactions between elders and youth? One example is guerrilla gardening groups to improve social areas that have become unkempt - a way to bring people together around something fulfilling for all of us.
We thought about the way we have been brought up on the idea of 'independence' - is this the best approach to have? We discussed changing from independence to interdependence and bringing this to the fore in our lives. We discussed the need to design in 'interdependence'. One person spoke of a space in Portugal where a day care centre was in the same building as a nursery and how this created a wonderful opportunity for the elderly and the young to spend time with each other at these stages of life. Older people love repetition and younger people love repetition, by bringing them together they can support each other to learn and grow.
We agreed we need to learn to allow older people to set their own agenda rather than force upon them things we felt they needed. One person knew of age-centric groups that allowed their members to design the social issues they wanted resolved for themselves. We were in support of increased levels of social clubs and groups and learning environments for us as we age. We all recognised that 'silver surfers' (older people on the internet) were highly active and fulfilled.
Some conclusions:
We would like society to be more aware that not everything of value can be reduced to a number and that this habit was counter-productive.
We questioned retirement - the on/off switch where we were hamsters on a wheel for 50 years and then suddenly, stop working. This is changing and there are many implications...
We want to stop drawing distinctions between "us" and "them". The opportunities and challenges of getting older is something all face.
We feel we can find much more in common with older people and connect with each other in more ways as we age.
In the end, we acknowledged it is much easier to speak of ideals when you are not facing the practicalities of caring for an ageing parent or partner which can challenge our thinking about what growing older means and how it impacts the life we take for granted.
Thanks to all of you who came to the evening and made it such a wonderful conversation to be part of. Thanks to Colonel Mark Baker of The Royal Hospital for allowing us to enjoy the Prince of Wales Hall. Thanks too, to Virginia and Emma who helped us with the tea and cakes.
Tuesday, 14 September 2010
Our Elders Fascinate Us
We met last night in a lovely tea room at The Royal Hospital. We had a conversation that stretched us all in so many directions. We realised that our elders are...our elders. They can bring out the best in us and the worst as we struggle to satisfy their needs and meet our own needs. We are putting together the notes and will post them in the next few days. Thanks to Mark Baker at the Royal Hospital for his kind and generous support in providing a perfect backdrop and to all of our friends who made the time and brought such thought provoking light on the subject.
Tuesday, 7 September 2010
We're Having Tea At The Royal Hospital in Chelsea
We're delighted to confirm that our next tea party will be over at The Royal Hospital, Chelsea. What better location to discuss Our Elders? We're happy that Michael from Bellocq is serving tea once again. Hope you are able to join us for a Candied Conversation...on 13th September at 6pm.
Tuesday, 31 August 2010
A conversation about Our Elders...
We've just confirmed the next tea party on 13th September will be held in The Prince of Wales Hall at The Royal Hospital, Chelsea. Thanks to Colonel Mark Baker for his help.
Sunday, 1 August 2010
Science writing
Great article in today's New York Times magazine on science blogging and language...
http://nyti.ms/bpmG6p
http://nyti.ms/bpmG6p
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