Our conversation on “privacy versus openness” took place on 6th July 2011 at MyHotel Chelsea. Completely coincidentally, it was the same day the News of the World scandal broke (or was continuing to break…)
We explored a lot of different dimensions of the issue, and there was an overwhelming feeling in the group that the boundaries between open-ness and privacy are increasingly blurred. What do we have a right to know? What do we want to know? Who arbitrates that? What’s appropriate?
We asked what it really means to be “open” – is it about sitting on the bus and over-hearing personal conversations that others are having on their mobile phones? Is it about social media? We agreed that it doesn’t necessarily mean opening up all your private / personal information.
A concern was expressed around the proliferation of information and “noise” which sometimes overwhelms without being insightful or adding value. We concluded that open-ness has to mean more than that and the ideal definition of open-ness would be open hearts (not open mouths).
We talked about the difference between the internet and the media. The internet is a source of information for many things – it is a place you can go which, albeit unedited, provides a wide range of resources. E.g. you can find out information about products or experiences you are interested in from others who have experienced them… and in this case, you are doing the editing. While with the media, someone else is doing the editing – those editors choose the stories and the angles, they also drive the news cycles.
On the internet, we have learned to read for authenticity.
Some expressed the frustration around personal data being tracked by, for example, loyalty programs, and among those with this view, there was a level of resentment to commercial interest who “work” the data for selling opportunities.
Others observed the differences that social media and the internet have created in our lives – managing one’s identity requires different kinds of tools and techniques than previously. Do you “vanity google” yourself to check on how you appear online and what shows up about you? Do you manage that identity properly? What if you don’t? Will you be the victim of incoherence? Does pro-actively managing your identity help to ensure an integrity of voice? Or is it impossible in the new technology world?
In the end, we concluded that privacy and open-nes are opposing muscles which each need to be exercised. We are experiencing a new chapter in social literacy and we all need to learn it together.
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
Parenting
We asked the question
How can we all contribute to a society that improves the chances of our young people?
First one said ‘education’ and others joined in to say the media has to present more realistic images of young people and show more opportunities that are attainable rather than just celebrities and pop stars. There are issues with the filters that normal society puts in for children with young children listening to pop music that is explicit and inappropriate – how does a parent protect them? They have the worries of an adult at young ages. This was a recurring theme of young people having too much information and knowledge at an age where they are not mature enough to make sense of it. One young child asked about rape?
How do we help them self-filter? So they have enough awareness to work out who they are and what is acceptable for them and unacceptable for them. This lead to a long discussion on conformity. One person noted that in the sixties although there was free love and drugs there was not so much pressure to conform. Young people let you be who you wanted to be. Others discussed this and that today young people are under pressure to dress right to have the Ugg boots and not fakes as people will look down on them. In previous generations people respected differences more. One key question was asked…who is responsible, where is the pressure coming from? How are we not all responsible for this pressure. The idea of belonging was a long thread of conversation – the idea of international and globalised childhoods and the potential impact on identity. Many guests were multi-cultural and multi-lingual and they were concerned about the impact on their children. Another discussed identity and its impact on our lives. We discussed the joint responsibility of schools and parents and the way we help our children develop a conscience and how do we make that happen or is it innate? The role of teachers and their impact on our children’s lives was touched upon. The difficulties for schools now with restrictions placed on them is reducing their care for young people. The idea of belonging came up again and again with one saying they had moved every three years as a child and so had no need to belong – they were used to establishing groups and could accept change easily. The link with independence compared to a need to belong was established. The idea of being different not better was opened up – where one person growing up in the Lebanon was brought up to see herself as better than others not equal but better. Was this something that now our children were missing out on – the idea that they were better or is this a positive move to equality? Another said as she was brought up Catholic, that was deemed better than everyone else. One said your need to belong should be to do with your passion – you belong to your own passion in life which means you are secure. The issue of having a voice came through now and that we need to help our young people to be heard and to have a voice. The idea that in Britain young people should be seen and not heard purveys- they are the problem in society and unwelcome. Their voice is important do we respect our young people? The USA affords more respect to young people. In London be quiet. The identity issues of one parent being Austrian and another Chinese – who am I? Where do I come from? This is being noted in a trend report concerning adapted ethnicity http://www.trendhunter.com/protrends/ethnic-influence
These people belong nowhere they are exotic with mixed identity and parenting issues. There is a huge cultural shift in Britain and how young people are treated and where that pressure is coming from.
They are being pressured to be a success and materialism is huge with the impact of consumerism. Children are showing signs of stress and becoming depressed and losing a sense of who they are. They are struggling with self-worth. They are becoming isolated and too connected via technology one person hasn’t spoken to son for ages but now just texts. There is no pride about being British. They are learning Mandarin in case the Chinese take over everything. No parents has huge implications for young people as the theatre group shows. They have no role models, get pregnant to have a flat, make girls pregnant and mourn loss of ability to be a real father. They are having a baby to opt out of society. They are repeating patterns of their elders. They want someone to love them and that’s the baby. Misunderstanding of what being a mother is all about it’s about doing and having responsibility
Parenting as a role is just not valued enough it is not revered. It takes a village to raise a child – where’s the village?
We can all nurture our young ones there are opportunities to bring old and young together and it’s so inspiring when it happens. What about bringing up children alone and if there aren’t grandparents no-one to protect the role of the mother – don’t speak to your mother like that.
Competitiveness is threatening so much. We need to build more ties to each other. To make new networks to connect with. Schools, neighbourhood groups. On the positive side they are adapting and may not need so much support.
How can we all contribute to a society that improves the chances of our young people?
First one said ‘education’ and others joined in to say the media has to present more realistic images of young people and show more opportunities that are attainable rather than just celebrities and pop stars. There are issues with the filters that normal society puts in for children with young children listening to pop music that is explicit and inappropriate – how does a parent protect them? They have the worries of an adult at young ages. This was a recurring theme of young people having too much information and knowledge at an age where they are not mature enough to make sense of it. One young child asked about rape?
How do we help them self-filter? So they have enough awareness to work out who they are and what is acceptable for them and unacceptable for them. This lead to a long discussion on conformity. One person noted that in the sixties although there was free love and drugs there was not so much pressure to conform. Young people let you be who you wanted to be. Others discussed this and that today young people are under pressure to dress right to have the Ugg boots and not fakes as people will look down on them. In previous generations people respected differences more. One key question was asked…who is responsible, where is the pressure coming from? How are we not all responsible for this pressure. The idea of belonging was a long thread of conversation – the idea of international and globalised childhoods and the potential impact on identity. Many guests were multi-cultural and multi-lingual and they were concerned about the impact on their children. Another discussed identity and its impact on our lives. We discussed the joint responsibility of schools and parents and the way we help our children develop a conscience and how do we make that happen or is it innate? The role of teachers and their impact on our children’s lives was touched upon. The difficulties for schools now with restrictions placed on them is reducing their care for young people. The idea of belonging came up again and again with one saying they had moved every three years as a child and so had no need to belong – they were used to establishing groups and could accept change easily. The link with independence compared to a need to belong was established. The idea of being different not better was opened up – where one person growing up in the Lebanon was brought up to see herself as better than others not equal but better. Was this something that now our children were missing out on – the idea that they were better or is this a positive move to equality? Another said as she was brought up Catholic, that was deemed better than everyone else. One said your need to belong should be to do with your passion – you belong to your own passion in life which means you are secure. The issue of having a voice came through now and that we need to help our young people to be heard and to have a voice. The idea that in Britain young people should be seen and not heard purveys- they are the problem in society and unwelcome. Their voice is important do we respect our young people? The USA affords more respect to young people. In London be quiet. The identity issues of one parent being Austrian and another Chinese – who am I? Where do I come from? This is being noted in a trend report concerning adapted ethnicity http://www.trendhunter.com/protrends/ethnic-influence
These people belong nowhere they are exotic with mixed identity and parenting issues. There is a huge cultural shift in Britain and how young people are treated and where that pressure is coming from.
They are being pressured to be a success and materialism is huge with the impact of consumerism. Children are showing signs of stress and becoming depressed and losing a sense of who they are. They are struggling with self-worth. They are becoming isolated and too connected via technology one person hasn’t spoken to son for ages but now just texts. There is no pride about being British. They are learning Mandarin in case the Chinese take over everything. No parents has huge implications for young people as the theatre group shows. They have no role models, get pregnant to have a flat, make girls pregnant and mourn loss of ability to be a real father. They are having a baby to opt out of society. They are repeating patterns of their elders. They want someone to love them and that’s the baby. Misunderstanding of what being a mother is all about it’s about doing and having responsibility
Parenting as a role is just not valued enough it is not revered. It takes a village to raise a child – where’s the village?
We can all nurture our young ones there are opportunities to bring old and young together and it’s so inspiring when it happens. What about bringing up children alone and if there aren’t grandparents no-one to protect the role of the mother – don’t speak to your mother like that.
Competitiveness is threatening so much. We need to build more ties to each other. To make new networks to connect with. Schools, neighbourhood groups. On the positive side they are adapting and may not need so much support.
Thursday, 7 July 2011
Parenting, Feminine Values & Now Privacy
We've been busy lately having conversations, so busy we haven't written up the last three. Sorry for that and normal service will be resumed shortly. Thanks for keeping posted with what's going on and we'll be in touch shortly with the latest posts and news.
Monday, 28 February 2011
First Birthday Survey
Thank you for participating in Candied Thinking’s First Birthday survey!
Eighteen people responded to the survey, which included questions around the current Candied Thinking experience, the reasons people come and how we might build on it in the future.
Of those surveyed, 83% are currently involved in or a member of a charity or community organization, 61% belong to sports clubs or gyms and 50% belong to business networks.
Here are the top-line results:
1 The current experience was rated either “good” or “excellent” on all aspects. Specifically, those aspects that were rated excellent were:
- Quality of conversations
- Topics chosen
- The way the conversation is run (from small groups to large)
- Quality of information available before the conversation
- Timeliness and detail of invitations
- Choice of venues
- Start and finish times
And those that were rated good:
- People you have met
- Mix of people, diversity
- Notifications of blog updates
- Quality of blog updates
- Catering
- Price
2 The most cited reasons for coming to Candied Thinking included:
- To discuss interesting topics
- To meet new and diverse people
- To enable me to engage with others on important topics
And also:
- To nurture my interest in social issues
- To allow me time and space to think about my perspective on issues
- To have an impact on social change
Least important was:
- To visit interesting places
Comments and other reasons for coming to Candied Thinking:
I’m interested in having an impact on social change, but unclear on Candied Thinking’s role in that.
To be in a female environment – my work experience has been impacted by very macho cultures.
Visiting interesting places is important because it differentiates Candied Thinking and helps spark conversation, but it is not a key reason for coming. Social change would be a more important reason for coming if the discussions were focused toward a particular aim.
3 The following ideas were most preferred in terms of what people would like to see happen with Candied Thinking:
- Share conclusions more widely (e.g. press and selected organisations)
- Projects to get involved in meaningful charity / activities
And also:
- More expertise in the group
- More involvement in the choice of topics
- More time for discussion at each event
- More time for networking after the conversations
There was little enthusiasm for:
- More frequent events
- Bigger events
- Online network facilities
Comments and other thoughts about what people would like to see happen with Candied Thinking:
There are so many brilliant and inspiring brains in the room, it would be great to put them to good use.
It is interesting to have someone along as an expert to spark the discussion, but generally I like hearing about the different perspectives everyone has, because everyone has a valid viewpoint.
4 Interest was expressed in the following potential activities:
- Discussion on social issues with non-profit, government and/or corporates
- Activities and/or discussions with experts on topics of interest
- Cultural events linked to discussion (e.g. art, music, film, theater)
- Social projects with non-profit, government and/or corporates
There was less interest in:
- Volunteering activities
- Selection of charitable partner/organizations to support
Comments and other thoughts about the activities that would / wouldn’t interest people:
Sorry, but I have had enough of “experts” – part of the joy of Candied Thinking is the open and authentic conversation – the freedom of thought and expression.
A specific mission / purpose that went toward change I believe in is something I would very likely participate in.
I don’t see Candied Thinking as the vehicle for my charity activities as I fulfill this need through alternative channels.
5 94% of respondents prefer to pay by event versus paying a membership fee, with the following comments:
Until it develops further, the current structure is good… maybe then a membership fee would be appropriate.
It depends a lot on what you offer!
What about adding a voluntary donation for the venue hosting the event if it’s a charity?
6 Other final suggestions on how we could improve included:
I would enjoy meatier topics, as well as time and opportunity for networking.
I have benefited lots from the intellectual stimulation you have provided. My only concern is that it comes at a cost to you personally as it takes so much time and effort to organize.
At the end of the discussion, you could recap some of the key themes of our conversation. This would help create a sense of wholeness and closure.
Possibly smaller groups to follow per subject of interest with an action plan.
I absolutely love Candied Thinking. I think it satisfies a lot of needs – certainly in me – for exchange of ideas, views, desires, info. Being around other intelligent women is a buzz.
If you have any further comments or input, please contact us anytime!
All the best,
Noël & Sarah
Eighteen people responded to the survey, which included questions around the current Candied Thinking experience, the reasons people come and how we might build on it in the future.
Of those surveyed, 83% are currently involved in or a member of a charity or community organization, 61% belong to sports clubs or gyms and 50% belong to business networks.
Here are the top-line results:
1 The current experience was rated either “good” or “excellent” on all aspects. Specifically, those aspects that were rated excellent were:
- Quality of conversations
- Topics chosen
- The way the conversation is run (from small groups to large)
- Quality of information available before the conversation
- Timeliness and detail of invitations
- Choice of venues
- Start and finish times
And those that were rated good:
- People you have met
- Mix of people, diversity
- Notifications of blog updates
- Quality of blog updates
- Catering
- Price
2 The most cited reasons for coming to Candied Thinking included:
- To discuss interesting topics
- To meet new and diverse people
- To enable me to engage with others on important topics
And also:
- To nurture my interest in social issues
- To allow me time and space to think about my perspective on issues
- To have an impact on social change
Least important was:
- To visit interesting places
Comments and other reasons for coming to Candied Thinking:
I’m interested in having an impact on social change, but unclear on Candied Thinking’s role in that.
To be in a female environment – my work experience has been impacted by very macho cultures.
Visiting interesting places is important because it differentiates Candied Thinking and helps spark conversation, but it is not a key reason for coming. Social change would be a more important reason for coming if the discussions were focused toward a particular aim.
3 The following ideas were most preferred in terms of what people would like to see happen with Candied Thinking:
- Share conclusions more widely (e.g. press and selected organisations)
- Projects to get involved in meaningful charity / activities
And also:
- More expertise in the group
- More involvement in the choice of topics
- More time for discussion at each event
- More time for networking after the conversations
There was little enthusiasm for:
- More frequent events
- Bigger events
- Online network facilities
Comments and other thoughts about what people would like to see happen with Candied Thinking:
There are so many brilliant and inspiring brains in the room, it would be great to put them to good use.
It is interesting to have someone along as an expert to spark the discussion, but generally I like hearing about the different perspectives everyone has, because everyone has a valid viewpoint.
4 Interest was expressed in the following potential activities:
- Discussion on social issues with non-profit, government and/or corporates
- Activities and/or discussions with experts on topics of interest
- Cultural events linked to discussion (e.g. art, music, film, theater)
- Social projects with non-profit, government and/or corporates
There was less interest in:
- Volunteering activities
- Selection of charitable partner/organizations to support
Comments and other thoughts about the activities that would / wouldn’t interest people:
Sorry, but I have had enough of “experts” – part of the joy of Candied Thinking is the open and authentic conversation – the freedom of thought and expression.
A specific mission / purpose that went toward change I believe in is something I would very likely participate in.
I don’t see Candied Thinking as the vehicle for my charity activities as I fulfill this need through alternative channels.
5 94% of respondents prefer to pay by event versus paying a membership fee, with the following comments:
Until it develops further, the current structure is good… maybe then a membership fee would be appropriate.
It depends a lot on what you offer!
What about adding a voluntary donation for the venue hosting the event if it’s a charity?
6 Other final suggestions on how we could improve included:
I would enjoy meatier topics, as well as time and opportunity for networking.
I have benefited lots from the intellectual stimulation you have provided. My only concern is that it comes at a cost to you personally as it takes so much time and effort to organize.
At the end of the discussion, you could recap some of the key themes of our conversation. This would help create a sense of wholeness and closure.
Possibly smaller groups to follow per subject of interest with an action plan.
I absolutely love Candied Thinking. I think it satisfies a lot of needs – certainly in me – for exchange of ideas, views, desires, info. Being around other intelligent women is a buzz.
If you have any further comments or input, please contact us anytime!
All the best,
Noël & Sarah
Thursday, 16 December 2010
Compassion II
Our latest conversation took place one year to the day of our first. On 7th December 2010 we asked ourselves and discussed the following questions: where is compassion learned? can it be taught? can we actively practice compassion? is it tied to religion or culture? does our "consumerist" culture pose a challenge to a compassionate mindset?
We agreed that compassion is about understanding, empathy, kindness and generosity. It is almost a primitively human desire - to help others. The word itself is telling: "com" meaning "with" passion.
Understanding and relating to others is critical to one's ability to be compassionate. We discussed examples of appeals in advertising (e.g. children born with cleft lips) as well as personal experiences of individual circumstances (e.g. when ill or in hospital) where our understanding and empathy with the needs of others played a significant role in our ability to be compassionate.
We had a discussion around the need to teach compassion - and how we do so. The role of the family and the role of the educational system. There was a feeling among the group, that compassionate thinking / behaviour should start at a young age, and that there are ways the educational system can help. Various examples were given by parents as to how they have talked to their children about compassion, and the kind of activities schools are undertaking to bring compassion into the classroom.
We also discussed how religion and culture play a role in our desire, ability and inclination to be compassionate. Do Muslims give more? Do Americans give more? What aspects of culture enable compassion? Is western consumer culture subverting compassionate behaviour in our society?
There was recognition among the group that compassion, for the most part, is a choice. And sometimes, it is a instinct. We asked ourselves if sometimes selfishness plays a role in acts of compassion. One cannot "expect" compassion back when given - it is something to be given and not regarded as a favour or something to be even acknowledged. Most of us tried to express the kind of satisfaction that comes when we have been compassionate - it is almost undescribable.
Some of our conclusions:
Compassion is a choice.
Understanding makes compassion possible. Understanding requires time and a willingness to see things from others' point of view. Stories can help us achieve this understanding.
Culture and community play an important role in our ability and inclination to be compassionate, and sometimes, our culture does not encourage compassion.
Compassion is something that is undertaken with no expectation of a return.
When it comes to being compassionate and living in a more compassionate community, we must lead by example.
We agreed that compassion is about understanding, empathy, kindness and generosity. It is almost a primitively human desire - to help others. The word itself is telling: "com" meaning "with" passion.
Understanding and relating to others is critical to one's ability to be compassionate. We discussed examples of appeals in advertising (e.g. children born with cleft lips) as well as personal experiences of individual circumstances (e.g. when ill or in hospital) where our understanding and empathy with the needs of others played a significant role in our ability to be compassionate.
We had a discussion around the need to teach compassion - and how we do so. The role of the family and the role of the educational system. There was a feeling among the group, that compassionate thinking / behaviour should start at a young age, and that there are ways the educational system can help. Various examples were given by parents as to how they have talked to their children about compassion, and the kind of activities schools are undertaking to bring compassion into the classroom.
We also discussed how religion and culture play a role in our desire, ability and inclination to be compassionate. Do Muslims give more? Do Americans give more? What aspects of culture enable compassion? Is western consumer culture subverting compassionate behaviour in our society?
There was recognition among the group that compassion, for the most part, is a choice. And sometimes, it is a instinct. We asked ourselves if sometimes selfishness plays a role in acts of compassion. One cannot "expect" compassion back when given - it is something to be given and not regarded as a favour or something to be even acknowledged. Most of us tried to express the kind of satisfaction that comes when we have been compassionate - it is almost undescribable.
Some of our conclusions:
Compassion is a choice.
Understanding makes compassion possible. Understanding requires time and a willingness to see things from others' point of view. Stories can help us achieve this understanding.
Culture and community play an important role in our ability and inclination to be compassionate, and sometimes, our culture does not encourage compassion.
Compassion is something that is undertaken with no expectation of a return.
When it comes to being compassionate and living in a more compassionate community, we must lead by example.
Thursday, 9 December 2010
Compassion II
We held our second Annual Conversation on Compassion inspired by the 2009 Karen Armstrong TED talk. We're writing up the notes and will be posting them shortly.
Thursday, 23 September 2010
Our Elders
What a conversation Our Elders provided.
We asked 'what role do our elders play in society?' One of the group offered up the notion that our elders are 'agents of love, agents of culture and agents of wisdom' ... in fact, the sense of our elders being living historians that we should cherish came up a few times. There was a feeling that we should go beyond valuing our elders for doing things or being productive and value them more for who they are and the lives they've lived.
We questioned the way society rewards productivity and as we age we are no longer productive and therefore no longer valued. Is it because we fail to value perspective and wisdom as they are non-productive roles? In fact, we challenged the notion that older people are less productive with the example of a known recruitment agency for over 55's being successful. We considered that society will need to adjust for older people to remain in the workforce and adapt positions to cater for their talents and their particular needs. It is likely that more people will start new careers at more advanced ages. Many of us agreed we would enjoy dealing with older people who often had more patience and were better at listening than youngsters who were in a tearing rush. Some in the group have very rewarding and enriching relationships with older neighbours or friends which they valued and felt valued through.
However, we also discussed how challenging our relationships with our elders sometimes are. Words like irritating, difficult, and self-centred rose up to greet us. There was much discussion, specifically how this challenge is particularly acute within families (as elders evolve in some cases into dependents), while a relationship strangers of different ages can be very rewarding as well. We found we didn't always pass the test in our own desire to be warm, caring and patient.
This emotional challenge is part of a practical challenge: it is not always easy to help as parents or grandparents began to need more support. Unspoken grievances or weak relationships made this difficult time even more so. Families could go into denial about what may happen and what needs to be done. Death and mortality is a frightening issue to confront and we need better language and understanding to navigate it successfully.
The sense of loss we discover when an older relative or parent changes through illness, be it dementia or other physical and mental frailties, can be confusing and straining. We discussed how older people need physical contact with people to help them stay healthy, and that this 'touch' naturally becomes more scarce as they grow older and lose loved ones or become more isolated from family. One person said 'we could all learn the benefits of a spirit of giving' and how this actually gives us back a lot of emotional well-being. How we could all focus on listening to each other rather than talking at each other. One person admitted openly that she felt afraid that she would be alone when she was older with no one to look after her.
This topic touches on the larger topic of social behaviour, in general. How can we improve the environment for positive interactions between elders and youth? One example is guerrilla gardening groups to improve social areas that have become unkempt - a way to bring people together around something fulfilling for all of us.
We thought about the way we have been brought up on the idea of 'independence' - is this the best approach to have? We discussed changing from independence to interdependence and bringing this to the fore in our lives. We discussed the need to design in 'interdependence'. One person spoke of a space in Portugal where a day care centre was in the same building as a nursery and how this created a wonderful opportunity for the elderly and the young to spend time with each other at these stages of life. Older people love repetition and younger people love repetition, by bringing them together they can support each other to learn and grow.
We agreed we need to learn to allow older people to set their own agenda rather than force upon them things we felt they needed. One person knew of age-centric groups that allowed their members to design the social issues they wanted resolved for themselves. We were in support of increased levels of social clubs and groups and learning environments for us as we age. We all recognised that 'silver surfers' (older people on the internet) were highly active and fulfilled.
Some conclusions:
We would like society to be more aware that not everything of value can be reduced to a number and that this habit was counter-productive.
We questioned retirement - the on/off switch where we were hamsters on a wheel for 50 years and then suddenly, stop working. This is changing and there are many implications...
We want to stop drawing distinctions between "us" and "them". The opportunities and challenges of getting older is something all face.
We feel we can find much more in common with older people and connect with each other in more ways as we age.
In the end, we acknowledged it is much easier to speak of ideals when you are not facing the practicalities of caring for an ageing parent or partner which can challenge our thinking about what growing older means and how it impacts the life we take for granted.
Thanks to all of you who came to the evening and made it such a wonderful conversation to be part of. Thanks to Colonel Mark Baker of The Royal Hospital for allowing us to enjoy the Prince of Wales Hall. Thanks too, to Virginia and Emma who helped us with the tea and cakes.
We asked 'what role do our elders play in society?' One of the group offered up the notion that our elders are 'agents of love, agents of culture and agents of wisdom' ... in fact, the sense of our elders being living historians that we should cherish came up a few times. There was a feeling that we should go beyond valuing our elders for doing things or being productive and value them more for who they are and the lives they've lived.
We questioned the way society rewards productivity and as we age we are no longer productive and therefore no longer valued. Is it because we fail to value perspective and wisdom as they are non-productive roles? In fact, we challenged the notion that older people are less productive with the example of a known recruitment agency for over 55's being successful. We considered that society will need to adjust for older people to remain in the workforce and adapt positions to cater for their talents and their particular needs. It is likely that more people will start new careers at more advanced ages. Many of us agreed we would enjoy dealing with older people who often had more patience and were better at listening than youngsters who were in a tearing rush. Some in the group have very rewarding and enriching relationships with older neighbours or friends which they valued and felt valued through.
However, we also discussed how challenging our relationships with our elders sometimes are. Words like irritating, difficult, and self-centred rose up to greet us. There was much discussion, specifically how this challenge is particularly acute within families (as elders evolve in some cases into dependents), while a relationship strangers of different ages can be very rewarding as well. We found we didn't always pass the test in our own desire to be warm, caring and patient.
This emotional challenge is part of a practical challenge: it is not always easy to help as parents or grandparents began to need more support. Unspoken grievances or weak relationships made this difficult time even more so. Families could go into denial about what may happen and what needs to be done. Death and mortality is a frightening issue to confront and we need better language and understanding to navigate it successfully.
The sense of loss we discover when an older relative or parent changes through illness, be it dementia or other physical and mental frailties, can be confusing and straining. We discussed how older people need physical contact with people to help them stay healthy, and that this 'touch' naturally becomes more scarce as they grow older and lose loved ones or become more isolated from family. One person said 'we could all learn the benefits of a spirit of giving' and how this actually gives us back a lot of emotional well-being. How we could all focus on listening to each other rather than talking at each other. One person admitted openly that she felt afraid that she would be alone when she was older with no one to look after her.
This topic touches on the larger topic of social behaviour, in general. How can we improve the environment for positive interactions between elders and youth? One example is guerrilla gardening groups to improve social areas that have become unkempt - a way to bring people together around something fulfilling for all of us.
We thought about the way we have been brought up on the idea of 'independence' - is this the best approach to have? We discussed changing from independence to interdependence and bringing this to the fore in our lives. We discussed the need to design in 'interdependence'. One person spoke of a space in Portugal where a day care centre was in the same building as a nursery and how this created a wonderful opportunity for the elderly and the young to spend time with each other at these stages of life. Older people love repetition and younger people love repetition, by bringing them together they can support each other to learn and grow.
We agreed we need to learn to allow older people to set their own agenda rather than force upon them things we felt they needed. One person knew of age-centric groups that allowed their members to design the social issues they wanted resolved for themselves. We were in support of increased levels of social clubs and groups and learning environments for us as we age. We all recognised that 'silver surfers' (older people on the internet) were highly active and fulfilled.
Some conclusions:
We would like society to be more aware that not everything of value can be reduced to a number and that this habit was counter-productive.
We questioned retirement - the on/off switch where we were hamsters on a wheel for 50 years and then suddenly, stop working. This is changing and there are many implications...
We want to stop drawing distinctions between "us" and "them". The opportunities and challenges of getting older is something all face.
We feel we can find much more in common with older people and connect with each other in more ways as we age.
In the end, we acknowledged it is much easier to speak of ideals when you are not facing the practicalities of caring for an ageing parent or partner which can challenge our thinking about what growing older means and how it impacts the life we take for granted.
Thanks to all of you who came to the evening and made it such a wonderful conversation to be part of. Thanks to Colonel Mark Baker of The Royal Hospital for allowing us to enjoy the Prince of Wales Hall. Thanks too, to Virginia and Emma who helped us with the tea and cakes.
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